I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
