I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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