i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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