I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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