well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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