Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
