My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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