Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
