just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
