in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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