all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
