I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize