I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
