i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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