dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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