Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
