My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
