I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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