A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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