I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
