I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
