Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
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Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
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I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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