Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
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He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?