she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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