Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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