talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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