and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
