I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just found a bag of teeth...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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