omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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