dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
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I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
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Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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