either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
