I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
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The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
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Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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