I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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