the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
