she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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