I will die if light touches me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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