the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
