what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
