Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
