watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
