i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
