he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
