fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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