To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
