I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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