tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
