You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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