Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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