theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
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I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
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Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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