Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
