Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
