I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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