Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
